Let go of the grudge

 

Check out the step-by-step guide below to get started.

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human connection | ▲▲ difficulty | ⏳ on your own time

Step-by-step guide

OK, let’s get started.

Step 1: Reflect 

As with many cozos, the first step is to reflect. Think about your feelings toward this individual and how they might feel about you, too. 

Questions to ask yourself during your reflection:

  • How do you feel toward this person?

  • Why? What happened? Did this person do something that hurt you or made you angry?

  • Was the situation ever properly addressed and resolved?

  • Do you think you also hurt this person’s feelings? 

  • How do you think this person feels toward you? 

  • Is there anything you could have done differently? 

  • Would you ever consider being close with this person again?

  • What would it take for you to develop a relationship with this person again?

Step 2: Analyze the situation objectively

Once you have reflected on the situation, analyze it from an objective perspective as best you can. Obviously, this is difficult to do since we feel hurt, but it’s important to at least try. 

When analyzing the situation, consider this: 

  • Intent: What were your intentions? Do you know theirs? 

  • Action: What were your actions? What were theirs?  

  • Impact: What were the consequences of both of your actions? 

Looking at it this way helps paint a full picture on both sides. It can also help you decide whether or not you want to try and rekindle the relationship. Sometimes this can be a great thing to try, but it doesn’t always make sense to do. For example, if someone lied to you on multiple occasions and you no longer trust this individual, you may want to consider whether or not it’s in your best interest to rekindle this friendship or relationship. There may be times when it does not make sense to rebuild your relationship with the person. But, before jumping to that conclusion, make sure to analyze the situation thoughtfully.

Step 3: Let go as best you can

Forgiveness is easier said than done. It’s rooted deep inside of us and comes from a place within us that chooses to let go. That doesn’t mean it will happen overnight. It may take some time. But taking the time to reflect and accepting that humans are imperfect can be a helpful starting point. For more tips on forgiving others, check out the relevant links. 

Step 4: Reach out to them

Once you move past step 3 and truly let go, reach out to them. This is an important step in this cozo, however, only if it is safe to engage with the individual. If possible, try to talk things through with this person in-person.

When you reach out to them, avoid using an argumentative tone. Approach them in a neutral manner and ask them if they would be willing to talk things through with you. If they are not open to it, remember that that’s okay. Do your best to be at peace with their decision. At least you forgave them internally and did your best to make amends.

Step 5: Talk about your feelings

If they agree to talk things through, wonderful. Decide if you want to share your feelings first or if you would like to listen to their perspective first. There isn’t a right or wrong way—if you’re stuck, ask them if they would like to share or listen first.

Step 6: Show compassion

When they share their perspective, do your best to be compassionate and consider things from their point of view—especially if they also feel hurt by you. Remember that the goal is not to solely get your point across. It’s about trying to reach a mutual understanding, as best you can.

Step 7: Close the loop

Make sure the conversation ends in a place with closure. That doesn’t mean you need to be best friends again. It means sharing what you wanted to share—honestly and respectfully—and giving them the space to share whatever is on their mind, too. That will ensure that you both walk away feeling satisfied with the conversation.

Relevant links: